A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate
the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really
rich country like Switzerland and marry it." --Jay Leno
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's
twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-
six, she's damn near forty. --Chris Rock
A woman turned to her husband and said, "Next week is our
30th wedding anniversary. What do you think we ought to do?"
Her husband thought carefully, "Have a moment of silence?"
------------------------------------------------------------
A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your
physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage
belongs to whom?"
I said, "No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they
put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight.
I think that is very rude?"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into
it' (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the
city code for Fresno, CA is FAT), and that the airline was
just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
A young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through
a long period of dating with no talk of marriage.
One night her steady boyfriend took her out to a Chinese
restaurant. As he looked over the menu, he casually asked
her, So... how do you want your rice? plain or fried?"
Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and
replied.... "Thrown."
_____________________________________________________________ The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from
one pediatrician's office included the line item "behavior
modification reinforcers."
Fearing that the doctor was engaging in some unapproved,
experimental psychological treatment, she called the
pediatrician's office to inquire, "What on earth are
behavior modification reinforcers?"
"Lollipops," was the reply.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural
geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being
the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a
large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified.
One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining
severe damage to the upper cranial structure; subsequently
the second member of the team performed a self-rotational
translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first
team member.
It will be a while before Jack and Jill head up that hill
for a pail of water again.
_____________________________________________________________ One of the single girls in the office came in one morning
and began passing out cigars and candy, both tied with blue
ribbons.
When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a
diamond solitaire on her left ring finger. "It's a boy,"
she announced, "six feet tall, 178 pounds!"
***
A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past
a row of empty shopping carts when the cart-girl standing
there called after him, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?"
"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."
As he walked into the store, he heard her murmur, "Just like
a man."
------------------------------------------------------------
Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were
expecting their first baby. I was elated when he called
me at work all the way from Japan with the news of my
grandchild's birth. I took down all the statistics and
turned to relate it all to my co-workers.
"I'm a grandmother!" I declared. "It's a baby girl, and she
weighs five pounds."
"When was she born?" someone asked.
Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the
calendar, and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!"
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told
him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a
dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-
or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever
printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million
dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything
close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all
over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther."
_____________________________________________________________ Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement
home and were relaxing in the library. "You know," said
Melba, "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use
the word 'obey' anymore."
"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little
humor to the occasion."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine
started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic
little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's
funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?"
"I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly,
"It wasn't opportunity."
_____________________________________________________________ On a visit to my wife's native England for our honeymoon, we
arrived at London's Gatwick Airport. Tania headed for the
British passport control line while I, an American, waited
in the foreigners' line. When my turn came, the customs
officer asked me the purpose of my visit.
"Pleasure," I replied. "I'm on my honeymoon."
The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other.
"That's very interesting, sir," he said as he stamped my
passport. "Most men bring their wives with them."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down
answers to some questions the teacher was asking.
"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you
like to be seen by the opposite sex?"
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next
to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"
_____________________________________________________________ "I was trying to find stuff to talk about today, it was a
slow news day, so I found this. On this day in 1492,
Columbus set sail from Europe, looking for a sea route to
India - and ended up in America. And ironically, if you
make a call from Europe to a company in America today -
it's re-routed to India." --Jay Leno
***
Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But
to whom? A sign posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee
cautioned visitors:
"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo
fences. If you fall, animals could eat you, and that would
make them sick."
------------------------------------------------------------
My 14-year-old daughter, Maggie, and her best friend,
Joannie are fans of 60's music. They recently got front-
row tickets to attend a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert
in our town.
When they returned home from the concert that night,
I wanted to hear all the details of the concert. My
daughter says, "Mom, during the show, we looked back an
saw hundreds of little lights swaying to the music. At
first we thought people were holding up cigarette
lighters. Then we realized that the lights were the
reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience!"
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
The Hokey Pokey -- Shakespearean Style!
O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
_____________________________________________________________ In Japan, they have apparently replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry. With their strict construction rules (each poem has only 17 syllables: 5 syllables in the first, 7 in the second, 5 in the third), Haikus are used to communicate timeless messages, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity.
--------------------------------------------
The Web site you seek Cannot be located, but Countless more exist.
--------------------------------------------
Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
--------------------------------------------
Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.
--------------------------------------------
Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
--------------------------------------------
Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
--------------------------------------------
Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
--------------------------------------------
Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
--------------------------------------------
A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone.
--------------------------------------------
Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred.
--------------------------------------------
You step in the stream, But the water has moved on. This page is not here.
--------------------------------------------
Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.
--------------------------------------------
Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped.
--------------------------------------------
Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"It's not me who can't keep a secret it's the people I tell
that can't." --Abraham Lincoln
***
"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened."
--Winston Churchill
***
Our goal to promote a non-threatening and productive office
environment is to establish language that is gender-neutral,
ethnic-neutral, and age-neutral while celebrating our spirit
of diversity.
------------------------------------------------------------
We got lucky when we heard the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta
was getting a face-lift and its beautiful maple doors became
available for sale as salvage items. We bought several and
had them installed in our 19th-century home.
Showing a friend around the house, I pointed out, "You know,
these doors are from the Piedmont Hotel."
He raised an eyebrow. "Most people just take towels."
[Reader's Digest.]
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Our pastor was winding down the service. In the back of the
church, the fellowship committee stood to go to the church
hall and prepare snacks for the congregation. Seeing them
rise, Pastor Michael singled them out for praise. "Before
they all slip out," he urged, "let's give these ladies a big
hand in the rear."
_____________________________________________________________ One day, a fellow went for a ride through the park on his bicycle.
The following day, a friend asked him if he would like to do it again.
He replied, "No thanks, I'm not into recycling."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop said, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the first few months of her co-op job for the state of
Georgia, my sister had nothing to do, so she surfed the Web
or did crossword puzzles. One day she expressed her boredom
to a co-worker.
"I know," she complained. "Everyone thinks state workers
have it easy. But there's only so much you can pretend
you're doing."
------------------------------------------------------------
You're from the West Coast when...
--You make over $250,000 and still can't afford to buy your
own house.
--The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his
cell phone.
--The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
--You know how to eat an artichoke.
--You drive to your neighborhood block party.
You're from New York when...
--You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean
Manhattan.
--You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire
State Building.
--You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get
from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find
Wisconsin on a map.
--You think Central Park is "nature."
--You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You're from Colorado when...
--You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
--You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home
and he stops at the day care.
--A pass does not involve a football or dating.
--The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.
--Your bridal registry is at REI.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
As one of relatively few female airline pilots, I've often
been mistaken for a flight attendant, ticket agent or even
a snack-bar employee. Occasionally people will see me in
uniform and ask if I'm a "real" pilot. Still others
congratulate me for making it in a male-dominated field.
One day, I was in the restroom before a flight. I was at
the sink, brushing my teeth, when a woman walked through
the door and looked over at me. "My sister would be so
proud of you!" she remarked. I figured her sister must be
in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why.
Replied the woman, "She's a dentist."
_____________________________________________________________ Following the birth of our daughter, the nurse told my wife
that whe would have to take it easy. So for the next six
weeks, "You can't do any lifting, swimming, driving, sex..."
My wife stopped her there. "I can't drive for how long?"
***
"My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book
called 'Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.'"
--Penelope Lombard
***
I was eavesdropping on two women sitting behind me on the bus
when they started talking about a trip to Switzerland. The
first passenger asked the second whether she had enjoyed the
beautiful scenery.
"Not really," came the reply. "I couldn't see much because of
all the mountains in the way."
[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]
------------------------------------------------------------
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an
older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said,
"Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this
post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't
even hold a pen."
"Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the
address and also agreed to write a short message and sign
the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now,
is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes,
at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy
hand-writing?'"
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so
much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took
her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw
his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and
immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she
spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm
out enjoying myself every night!"
________________________________________________________
Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show
up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.
***
Homer: A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. 6 feet tall,
300 pounds... it makes ice.
***
Homer: When I look at the smiles on all the childrens faces,
I just know they're about to jab me with something.
------------------------------------------------------------
A skinny young miss with train-track braces on her teeth and
an overly large retainer was hanging near the library's
information desk as if she wanted to ask a question, but was
afraid to.
Finally, the librarian smiled at the shy lil' girl and said,
"Is there something I can help you find?"
"Well..." she blushed. "would you know if you have a current
copy of 'Scouting for Boys'?"
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven
pounds at birth. When our fourth arrived, he was much larger.
After delivery, the medical team began testing and measuring
my new son. The last reading came from a nurse, who seemed
impressed as she read, "Weight, nine pounds, eight ounces."
My husband, Morris, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been
quiet up to this point, could contain himself no longer.
"How about that!" Morris exclaimed happily. "It's 36.5% more
baby!"
_____________________________________________________________
Azim's Gems.
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway. It wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that fell on his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and totted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick is not to get bogged down by it. We can get out of the deepest wells by not stopping. And by never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
This is a story of a poor Scottish farmer whose name was Fleming. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby dog. He dropped his tools and ran to the dog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the boy from what could have been a slow and terrifying death. The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved. "I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "Yes," the farmer replied proudly. "I'll make you a deal. Let me take your son and give him a good education. If he's anything like his father, he'll grow to a man you can be proud of you." And that he did. In time, Farmer Fleming's son graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin. Years afterward, the nobleman's son was stricken with pneumonia. What saved him? Penicillin. This is not the end. The nobleman's son also made a great contribution to society. For the nobleman was none other than Lord Randolph Churchill and his son's name was Winston Churchill. Let us use all our talent, competence and energy for creating peace and happiness for the nation."
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate
the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really
rich country like Switzerland and marry it." --Jay Leno
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's
twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-
six, she's damn near forty. --Chris Rock
A woman turned to her husband and said, "Next week is our
30th wedding anniversary. What do you think we ought to do?"
Her husband thought carefully, "Have a moment of silence?"
------------------------------------------------------------
A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your
physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage
belongs to whom?"
I said, "No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they
put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight.
I think that is very rude?"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into
it' (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the
city code for Fresno, CA is FAT), and that the airline was
just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
A young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through
a long period of dating with no talk of marriage.
One night her steady boyfriend took her out to a Chinese
restaurant. As he looked over the menu, he casually asked
her, So... how do you want your rice? plain or fried?"
Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and
replied.... "Thrown."
_____________________________________________________________ The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from
one pediatrician's office included the line item "behavior
modification reinforcers."
Fearing that the doctor was engaging in some unapproved,
experimental psychological treatment, she called the
pediatrician's office to inquire, "What on earth are
behavior modification reinforcers?"
"Lollipops," was the reply.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural
geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being
the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a
large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified.
One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining
severe damage to the upper cranial structure; subsequently
the second member of the team performed a self-rotational
translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first
team member.
It will be a while before Jack and Jill head up that hill
for a pail of water again.
_____________________________________________________________ One of the single girls in the office came in one morning
and began passing out cigars and candy, both tied with blue
ribbons.
When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a
diamond solitaire on her left ring finger. "It's a boy,"
she announced, "six feet tall, 178 pounds!"
***
A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past
a row of empty shopping carts when the cart-girl standing
there called after him, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?"
"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."
As he walked into the store, he heard her murmur, "Just like
a man."
------------------------------------------------------------
Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were
expecting their first baby. I was elated when he called
me at work all the way from Japan with the news of my
grandchild's birth. I took down all the statistics and
turned to relate it all to my co-workers.
"I'm a grandmother!" I declared. "It's a baby girl, and she
weighs five pounds."
"When was she born?" someone asked.
Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the
calendar, and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!"
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told
him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a
dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-
or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever
printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million
dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything
close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all
over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther."
_____________________________________________________________ Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement
home and were relaxing in the library. "You know," said
Melba, "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use
the word 'obey' anymore."
"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little
humor to the occasion."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine
started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic
little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's
funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?"
"I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly,
"It wasn't opportunity."
_____________________________________________________________ On a visit to my wife's native England for our honeymoon, we
arrived at London's Gatwick Airport. Tania headed for the
British passport control line while I, an American, waited
in the foreigners' line. When my turn came, the customs
officer asked me the purpose of my visit.
"Pleasure," I replied. "I'm on my honeymoon."
The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other.
"That's very interesting, sir," he said as he stamped my
passport. "Most men bring their wives with them."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down
answers to some questions the teacher was asking.
"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you
like to be seen by the opposite sex?"
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next
to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"
_____________________________________________________________ "I was trying to find stuff to talk about today, it was a
slow news day, so I found this. On this day in 1492,
Columbus set sail from Europe, looking for a sea route to
India - and ended up in America. And ironically, if you
make a call from Europe to a company in America today -
it's re-routed to India." --Jay Leno
***
Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But
to whom? A sign posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee
cautioned visitors:
"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo
fences. If you fall, animals could eat you, and that would
make them sick."
------------------------------------------------------------
My 14-year-old daughter, Maggie, and her best friend,
Joannie are fans of 60's music. They recently got front-
row tickets to attend a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert
in our town.
When they returned home from the concert that night,
I wanted to hear all the details of the concert. My
daughter says, "Mom, during the show, we looked back an
saw hundreds of little lights swaying to the music. At
first we thought people were holding up cigarette
lighters. Then we realized that the lights were the
reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience!"
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
The Hokey Pokey -- Shakespearean Style!
O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
_____________________________________________________________ In Japan, they have apparently replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry. With their strict construction rules (each poem has only 17 syllables: 5 syllables in the first, 7 in the second, 5 in the third), Haikus are used to communicate timeless messages, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity.
--------------------------------------------
The Web site you seek Cannot be located, but Countless more exist.
--------------------------------------------
Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
--------------------------------------------
Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.
--------------------------------------------
Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
--------------------------------------------
Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
--------------------------------------------
Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
--------------------------------------------
Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
--------------------------------------------
A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone.
--------------------------------------------
Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred.
--------------------------------------------
You step in the stream, But the water has moved on. This page is not here.
--------------------------------------------
Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.
--------------------------------------------
Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped.
--------------------------------------------
Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"It's not me who can't keep a secret it's the people I tell
that can't." --Abraham Lincoln
***
"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened."
--Winston Churchill
***
Our goal to promote a non-threatening and productive office
environment is to establish language that is gender-neutral,
ethnic-neutral, and age-neutral while celebrating our spirit
of diversity.
------------------------------------------------------------
We got lucky when we heard the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta
was getting a face-lift and its beautiful maple doors became
available for sale as salvage items. We bought several and
had them installed in our 19th-century home.
Showing a friend around the house, I pointed out, "You know,
these doors are from the Piedmont Hotel."
He raised an eyebrow. "Most people just take towels."
[Reader's Digest.]
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Our pastor was winding down the service. In the back of the
church, the fellowship committee stood to go to the church
hall and prepare snacks for the congregation. Seeing them
rise, Pastor Michael singled them out for praise. "Before
they all slip out," he urged, "let's give these ladies a big
hand in the rear."
_____________________________________________________________ One day, a fellow went for a ride through the park on his bicycle.
The following day, a friend asked him if he would like to do it again.
He replied, "No thanks, I'm not into recycling."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop said, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the first few months of her co-op job for the state of
Georgia, my sister had nothing to do, so she surfed the Web
or did crossword puzzles. One day she expressed her boredom
to a co-worker.
"I know," she complained. "Everyone thinks state workers
have it easy. But there's only so much you can pretend
you're doing."
------------------------------------------------------------
You're from the West Coast when...
--You make over $250,000 and still can't afford to buy your
own house.
--The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his
cell phone.
--The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
--You know how to eat an artichoke.
--You drive to your neighborhood block party.
You're from New York when...
--You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean
Manhattan.
--You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire
State Building.
--You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get
from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find
Wisconsin on a map.
--You think Central Park is "nature."
--You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You're from Colorado when...
--You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
--You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home
and he stops at the day care.
--A pass does not involve a football or dating.
--The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.
--Your bridal registry is at REI.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
As one of relatively few female airline pilots, I've often
been mistaken for a flight attendant, ticket agent or even
a snack-bar employee. Occasionally people will see me in
uniform and ask if I'm a "real" pilot. Still others
congratulate me for making it in a male-dominated field.
One day, I was in the restroom before a flight. I was at
the sink, brushing my teeth, when a woman walked through
the door and looked over at me. "My sister would be so
proud of you!" she remarked. I figured her sister must be
in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why.
Replied the woman, "She's a dentist."
_____________________________________________________________ Following the birth of our daughter, the nurse told my wife
that whe would have to take it easy. So for the next six
weeks, "You can't do any lifting, swimming, driving, sex..."
My wife stopped her there. "I can't drive for how long?"
***
"My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book
called 'Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.'"
--Penelope Lombard
***
I was eavesdropping on two women sitting behind me on the bus
when they started talking about a trip to Switzerland. The
first passenger asked the second whether she had enjoyed the
beautiful scenery.
"Not really," came the reply. "I couldn't see much because of
all the mountains in the way."
[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]
------------------------------------------------------------
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an
older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said,
"Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this
post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't
even hold a pen."
"Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the
address and also agreed to write a short message and sign
the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now,
is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes,
at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy
hand-writing?'"
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so
much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took
her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw
his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and
immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she
spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm
out enjoying myself every night!"
________________________________________________________
Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show
up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.
***
Homer: A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. 6 feet tall,
300 pounds... it makes ice.
***
Homer: When I look at the smiles on all the childrens faces,
I just know they're about to jab me with something.
------------------------------------------------------------
A skinny young miss with train-track braces on her teeth and
an overly large retainer was hanging near the library's
information desk as if she wanted to ask a question, but was
afraid to.
Finally, the librarian smiled at the shy lil' girl and said,
"Is there something I can help you find?"
"Well..." she blushed. "would you know if you have a current
copy of 'Scouting for Boys'?"
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven
pounds at birth. When our fourth arrived, he was much larger.
After delivery, the medical team began testing and measuring
my new son. The last reading came from a nurse, who seemed
impressed as she read, "Weight, nine pounds, eight ounces."
My husband, Morris, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been
quiet up to this point, could contain himself no longer.
"How about that!" Morris exclaimed happily. "It's 36.5% more
baby!"
_____________________________________________________________
Azim's Gems.
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway. It wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that fell on his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and totted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick is not to get bogged down by it. We can get out of the deepest wells by not stopping. And by never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
This is a story of a poor Scottish farmer whose name was Fleming. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby dog. He dropped his tools and ran to the dog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the boy from what could have been a slow and terrifying death. The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved. "I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "Yes," the farmer replied proudly. "I'll make you a deal. Let me take your son and give him a good education. If he's anything like his father, he'll grow to a man you can be proud of you." And that he did. In time, Farmer Fleming's son graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin. Years afterward, the nobleman's son was stricken with pneumonia. What saved him? Penicillin. This is not the end. The nobleman's son also made a great contribution to society. For the nobleman was none other than Lord Randolph Churchill and his son's name was Winston Churchill. Let us use all our talent, competence and energy for creating peace and happiness for the nation."
posted by plainsay | 3:48 PM
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